Since college I’ve made a lot of “grown-up” decisions. I’ve grown in a career I’m proud of, doing work I believe to be meaningful. I’ve bought furniture, cars, and glamorous things like laundry detergent. I’ve lived on my own, paid bills, and set money aside. I’ve visited museums, gone to plays, vacationed, and generally had myself a grand little adventure. I am officially an independent lady. As I think about my life, I must admit I’m pretty proud.
Today anyway.
Other days I’m flooded with this vision of another life. The life I should have. The life that is expected for a Christian woman nearing 30. The life that—if I’m being really honest—I might even have fuzzy daydreams about as I look towards the future. It is this vision that causes some me discontent. Instead of enjoying the blessings the Father has given me, I feel incomplete…ashamed…lacking.
The Lord has given me more than I deserve.
Why should I feel as though my life is lacking something?
Don’t I know that the Lord has made my path straight? {Proverbs 3:5-6}
Do I not trust Him to lead me in the way that I should go? {Psalm 32:8-10}
Why do I let what I don’t have define how I feel about the blessings I do have?
Can’t I just trust Him?
Ah…there it is. Trust. I’ve had trouble trusting anyone ever since kindergarten when I let one of my friends borrow my favorite pencil and she broke it. But now we’re talking about Trust on a larger scale, with much bigger stakes, and I don’t always feel comfortable with that conversation. Do I dare trust Him with everything?
In the context of my life, it’s easy to trust the Lord when I’m confident of the outcome.
But when uncertainty enters the picture, I attempt to take control. Thinking about it now, it seems absurd. I attempt to take control from the Creator of the Universe. Who does that? Yep, I do. (And if you’re honest, you probably do too.)
Ultimately, I’m afraid the Lord’s plan for my life and my plan for my life aren’t the same. Can I be ok—no, not just ok—joyful in His plan alone? I want to believe I would be happy no matter where He leads me, but I’m not so sure. I am a selfish human being after all.
It’s this thinking that makes my life small.
If I only open myself up to the life I’m comfortable with, then I reject whatever adventure the Lord might have planned for me. I want to put everything in His hands. But my small, controlling heart keeps taking pieces back from Him.
The conversations in my head go something like this:
“You know, God, I’m a really good interviewer and I know people in the district. I’m sure I’ll get that job.”
“Really, God? Open heart surgery? Hope the doctor knows what he’s doing. Guess our family hasn’t been through enough this year, right?”
“God, I gave him my whole heart. Why did you let him break it? I told You that I didn’t want this if it wasn’t going to be forever. I’ll never be the same.”
In my running dialogue with the Creator of Heaven and Earth, there’s a common, selfish theme: It’s all about Me.
“I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me–the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.” {Acts 20:23-24}
We’re not promised the life we’ve dreamed.
Instead, the Lord commissions us with an extraordinary task. We’re supposed to use this one life we’ve been given to glorify Him so we can bring others to Him. My life is not my own.
Today, as I look back at my past, I see purpose behind the timing, disappointments, and open doors along the way.
I’m grateful that the Lord led to where I am. Twenty years from now, I know that things will look much different. I’ll have the gift of greater hindsight. I’ll take comfort in the fact that my journey has unfolded exactly as it was meant to. And I know it will blow the picture in my head right out of the water.
*Photo credit: stevelavo
