Years ago in college, I met a girl that would change my perspective forever. Everything about her seemed perfect–her big eyes and beautiful smile, her genteel Southern drawl, the way she could manage to wear sweats with no makeup yet still look gorgeous. I had never met anyone like her nor had I felt anything like she made me feel.
School didn’t matter anymore. Friends didn’t matter anymore. The only thing that mattered was spending as much time with her as possible. I was hooked on a feeling. I had purchased a one-way ticket on the big shiny train to Love Town, and there was no turning back.
However, I was sadly mistaken.
One night nearly a year after we met, being the corny sap that I was, I sat on a couch and read her a poem that I had written. The last three words of the poem would be the dramatic first time that I had ever looked a girl in the eyes and said the words, “I love you.” In return, she said:
“Ah…that was so sweet. Well, I’m going to bed. Good night.”
It stung quite a bit at the time, but the mistakes I made were ones that I have taken with me for life. My heart is not something I now give so freely. Years have passed and I can look back and smile about it as I know that while I did care for her tremendously, most of my emotional roller coaster was due to immaturity and deep infatuation, not true love.
Recently, I took some time to assess who I believe God truly is. I decided to acknowledge both His existence and the fact that it is impossible to honestly deny that He loves me. In the past, just knowing those two things were enough. I could go about my life, check in with Him when it was convenient, and I was good. This time it wasn’t enough. I wanted to know His heart for me.
One late night this summer I sat on my balcony listening to the stillness, intently and quietly waiting for answers. As I prayed, the Lord brought to mind all the heartfelt gestures and thoughtfulness I put into conveying my feelings for that girl so many years ago. He reminded me of how little importance everything else seemed to have when compared to her.
Then the gut-wrenching moment came as I realized what He wanted to show me. Through all the thoughtful gifts, gestures, and intense emotions, the culmination was truly just an intense college crush. Had I known I would ultimately receive rejection, I wouldn’t have gone to such great lengths. On the contrary, the God of the universe applies an infinite, unconditional love towards me that cannot be broken. On top of it, His gift is no poem, but rather His only Son nailed like an animal to a cross. Yet throughout my life, I have often replied with the same response:
“Ah…that was so sweet. Well, I’m going to bed. Good night.”
He even knew that I–and many like me–would say that. Yet taking on the unimaginable pain that I have caused the Lord by taking lightly the greatest gift man will ever know is worth it to Him just for the chance to have a relationship with me.
I have heard other people express frustration about God and what they perceive as his lack of involvement in their life. He is all-powerful and his ways are mysterious and miraculous, but my life actually changed for the better when I stopped looking for the mystery and the miracles. Contrary to popular belief, God is not the place to go for a religious experience.
The minute that I stopped looking to Him for a meal ticket or an ear to listen to me only when things were bad is the minute I started building an actual, ever-constant communicative relationship with Him. I released God to express His love to me. Most of all, He has never called my words and gestures just “sweet.” He never has to break away from me for bed, and I never have to guess if He loves me.
In Him, I am secure.
