{Editor’s Note: Single guys are in the minority in many of our churches today, and it doesn’t seem to matter how big the church is or if it has a singles ministry or not. This is the final post in a series created to dialogue about what single men in church have been experiencing in a variety of congregations. Today, Jake offers his thoughts on one of the possible reasons for the gender disparity. You can find links to the other posts at the bottom.}
What do you mean when you say that you love God? It’s not a trick question, and I don’t think I could rightly say there is one particular way you ought to love God.
To draw that out a bit more, what do you mean when you say that God loves you? Again, not a trick, but I’ll bet you have definitions and expressions of what love means between God and yourself.
I have one more question. If you just finished a semester of school I’m sorry for the quiz but, for your participation, I’ll give you an “A.” Ready?
Do you think that men and women love differently—how they know, feel and show love? I think so and, if men and women are wired differently, I think it’s almost undeniable.
A couple of the songs sung at church over the past few weeks have caused me to stop and wonder, “Am I doing something wrong?” Really. Because the lyrics “He dances over me while I am unaware” creep me out. I don’t find it enchanting or inviting and, to be honest, I don’t want God to dance over me even if I am aware.
As I look at it though, I don’t think I’m alone in my camp.
Regardless of whether you like or dislike John Eldridge, Wild at Heart made some very valid points. Without giving a synopsis, I’ll just say that the souls of men and women are stirred and enlivened by different catalysts.
Now for the point. If you’re offended by what I’m about to say, I assure you I do so as gently as possible:
The Evangelical presentation of love has become overly-feminized.
Look around at church or any small group. Where are the men? And of those men, how many are there for the women and how many are there because of their devotion to God? I think the lack of men has to do with a presentation of God/Christianity that resonates with women but has a tendency to repel men.
I go to church and I’m involved, but I do so despite not being able to connect with how God’s love is described.
To clarify, I don’t deny God’s love at all. I’m floored by God’s love and Jesus’ sacrifice out of love/obedience. But I can’t get on board with singing and talking about how beautiful God is, praying for God to wrap his arms around me, and being all breathy when I say the name of Jesus.
Some single folks have referred to “dating Jesus” during their time of singleness. I get the point, and it makes sense, but try introducing that idea to a male nonbeliever and see what he makes of it. In fact, introduce it to male believers who haven’t heard of the idea and see how many show up the next week.
If the main idea of being a Christian comes across as “be good, be nice, don’t drink, don’t cuss and (in general) get rid of fun stuff,” it’s not hard to see why singles groups are lacking in men.
To make that mixture even better, toss in the idea of being spiritually gay for God and see how attractive it is. I might be overstepping the point by putting it like that but, if that’s the way it really comes across, is it helpful to leave it unsaid?
In one of my last seminary classes I argued the point that evangelicalism inherently did not communicate well to the masculine soul, that trying to do men’s ministry from a feminine perspective was destined to fail from the beginning. Then I added that pastel shirts and limp handshakes would only drive men away in their search for connection with God and other men. I was wearing a pastel shirt that day and the irony was the cause for much giggling; I had to laugh too. I threw the shirt away and did some pushups when I got home, but it doesn’t mean the point was any less valid.
Now I am at an impasse. I see the problem and, like all serious problems, it won’t go away by ignoring it. It will only get worse.
You don’t have to agree to men carrying around shotguns and punctuating every other sentence with a belch, but I don’t think intensifying the same men’s outreach efforts recognizes the real issue.
At this point, you may have already cursed me a few times for being a misogynist or a homophobe, but I assure you I am neither. You may even be concerned that I’m not really walking with Jesus – if I was I would be mesmerized by His flowing locks and steel blue eyes. I know Jesus, and He’s not a girl.
Even if you disagree with my presentation, at least give an honest consideration to what I’m saying.
Even if I don’t know what all the solutions are, I will not apologizing for being unabashedly male. God doesn’t require emasculation any more than he requires perfection before coming to Him.
Possibly more important, He doesn’t require those for following Him either.
Other posts in this series:
Single Men in the Church [Part 1] : Where My Boys At?
Single Men in the Church [Part 2] : It’s Not a Man’s World
Single Men in the Church [Part 3] : The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter
Single Men in the Church [Part 4]: Absent Without Leave
