{Editor’s Note: Single guys are in the minority in many of our churches today, and it doesn’t seem to matter how big the church is or if it has a singles ministry or not. This is the third in a series of occasional posts created to dialogue about what single men in church have been experiencing in a variety of congregations. You can find links to the first two posts at the bottom.}
The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating—in work, in play, in love (in church). The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life. {The Way I See It #76 :: Starbucks cup}
I confess, I’ve contributed to the problem of the lack of single men in the church. I was what culture labels as a typical, non-committal twenty-something.
For the last decade I’ve been the archetype of the Christian single male when it comes to church. I’ve church-hopped. I never quit on church as a whole; I just quit on different congregations over and over and over.
Why? To put it bluntly, I was hunting. I’m a guy, so I’m a hunter by nature.
What was I hunting for? A wife, of course.
Was I known to show up to a new church, look around for a few weeks, and then move on to greener pastures? Yes, multiple times.
Did I stop and get involved every now and then for longer than three weeks? Yes, but honestly, if you saw me at the same church for over a month, I definitely had my eye on a girl.
Did I feel guilty at times for church-hopping? Not really. I mean, my rationale was that at least I wasn’t bar-hopping while looking for my future mate.
Instead of guilt, I really just felt frustration over never finding a wife.
A lot guys get a bad reputation for being non-committal. We roam, we wander, we hunt. We don’t see a reward, so we move on. I’m not saying it’s right – I’m just telling you how many single guys operate.
Towards the end of my 20’s I finally convinced myself that if I’d commit and serve at a local church long-term then God would be more likely to bless me with a wife. It would show both the Lord and my future lady that I’m able to “commit.” It made sense to me.
So I committed. I tried to never miss a Sunday, found multiple departments in the church to serve in, joined small groups, volunteered my time—I was all in. I did this for a year and half, and not one stinkin’ date developed from my commitment to this church! I wondered why God hadn’t rewarded me for my efforts.
I also noticed that not one decent Christian male friendship had developed either.
Why? Because as I was committed to a local church for the first time, I was able to see how transient single guys are.
How many churches had I been to in the last ten years where there were some good guys needing accountability, but I scanned the girls and took off? They were committed to building community in their local church. Many of them saw me walk in, treated me well, but I left if the female ratio wasn’t right.
I didn’t give the guys much of a chance.
This time, the shoe was on the other foot. I was trying to build community amongst the single brothers who came in and out of the church I was in. However, I’d only see them once or twice and then they’d vanish. Did I mention our single female population was a bit slim?
Guys, at some point you’ve got to commit to something. It’s good for you. It gives you clarity, security, and stability.
I challenge you to give yourself a time limit to find a church and pray for God to lead you to the right one. When you get there – commit. Whether the guy-girl ratio seems favorable or not, just commit.
And, remember, the Lord is your Provider.
No seriously…
The Lord is your Provider. It’s not a church cliché.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things (maybe even a wife) will be given to you as well. {Matthew 6:33}
Other posts in this series:
Single Men in the Church [Part 1] : Where My Boys At?
Single Men in the Church [Part 2] : It’s Not a Man’s World
Single Men in the Church [Part 4]: Absent Without Leave
Single Men in the Church: Some Final Thoughts
