[Disclaimer: This post is meant to be a humorous feature that attempts to poke fun at some of the stereotypes and issues that arise in the dating world. If sarcasm isn’t your thing, you might want to stop reading now…]
Dear Adam,
Your online dating profile pic is hurting, buddy.
I know that you think it’s kinda dorky to ask someone to take your picture–something about it being against guy code–but we need to talk about this.
All I have are 3-5 pictures and a few sentences to decide if you are someone I want to communicate with. Yes, I’m judging you in ways that I wouldn’t if we were in person. You’re judging me just as harshly, and we both know it.
Let’s talk about the photos you need to avoid. This list was inspired by true events, multiple true events. With the exception of the last one, I cannot count the number of times I’ve seen the following profile pic types. Y’all always think you’re the only ones…
Mirror Shots
The photo of yourself in the mirror in a wife beater flexing your muscles doesn’t do a thing for us. In fact, any photo of yourself in a mirror is near grounds for dismissal in online dating. It doesn’t matter if you’re smiling or not. Isn’t standing in your bathroom in front of a mirror, taking photo after photo, far more humiliating than asking a friend to take a picture of you? No? Oh, well it should be. The upside? At least you’ll get a girl who is okay with mirror shots because, unfortunately, there are a few of us over the age of 18 who are still in existence.
Tree-Hugging Shot
You’re a man–a meat and potatoes, manly kind of man. While we appreciate your efforts to ensure that you’re posting something other than the aforementioned Mirror Shot, let’s face it–you’re not the kind of guy to saddle up next to a tree for a picture. And we can tell it. You look 10 kinds of uncomfortable in that pic. Go sit on the back porch or stand in a wide-open field. Just leave the tree alone. You don’t need it to prop you up, and it doesn’t need you to give it a hug.
The Ex-Wife Crop (or, The Wedding Ring Reveal)
You had a marriage before your foray into the online dating world? Ok. I’ll figure it out when I get to your profile, and we might discuss the details someday. But, pal, it’s time to start a new picture collection. When there’s a female’s arm in your photo–but no female attached to it–and you’re wearing a wedding ring, it kinda makes you look a little less classy. I know you’re happy to be rid of her and all, but cutting her out of pics and then posting them in a search to find new love is weird–literally and symbolically. I know you might be thinking that it is a testimony to your having “moved on,” but instead, I see more of “I’ll show her.”
Auto Pics
I don’t need to see your car, truck, or SUV. I can assure you that what you drive means far more to other guys than it does to a girl. I’ll see it soon enough. In fact, when you post pics of it in your profile, you’re probably trying to subtly let me to know that you’ll be able to provide for me financially (you know, if and when it ever comes to that). But that’s not the message I get when I see it. It makes me think that you love possessions and you might be a tad bit arrogant. Again, yes, I’m judging you.
Scanned High School Graduation Photos
No one looks good in a cap and gown. If they do, it’s only for emotional purposes, like, “Yay! I made it!” You would be severely disappointed with my high school graduation photos (mainly because I’ve never been able to get my hair that big since), why would you think that yours would be good enough to make me want to meet you in person? I’m sure your mother has taken some photos of you in the numerous Christmases that have passed since the 90’s. Go scan some of those instead.
The Hospital Bed Shot (Seriously.)
I’m sorry that you fell while working from atop an 8-story building, and I’m sorry that it left your body bandaged from head-to-toe and with a leg in traction. I’m also sorry that you’ve been there for months on end and your profession is now listed as being on disability. I know you deserve love, too, but I’m going to have to pass. You need to focus on your healing, and I’m afraid I would just get in the way.
Ladies, what other profile pics need to be addressed? Guys, what female profile pics annoy you?
*Photo credit: JordanFischer
